Mamma Mia

Kamryn's new favorite music to listen to in the van (when a DVD isn't playing) is the Mamma Mia CD, one of the gifts Dianne gave me for my birthday. (love it! thank you!) Kamryn has her favorite songs too. Today she told me "No honey honey how you thrill me" I had to giggle. I didn't realize she is really learning the words! Her favorite current song is Dancing Queen.

Another day she told me "not Daddy's song, I want Mommy to sing." I figured out that she didn't really want me to sing but she wanted to hear the song sung by the female singer. She prefers the female singers to the male singers but not her momma's voice because she tells me to stop! If only I could be so lucky to sing and sound good!

In the Spring of 2003, I actually drove up from Indy to see the play Mamma Mia with my Home Interior friends because I had won a contest. What I remember the most from watching the play was feeling a void in my life at the time because I didn't have a daughter. (and feeling guilty for it because I have two wonderful sons who were the world to me then and now!) I remembered really paying attention to the relationship between the mother and daughter and thinking that although I have that with my mom, I won't have that type of relationship with a daughter. This was just one of the many "signs" that my heart was on it's way to China.

When the movie came out this past summer, I was anxious to see it again to see if I would feel any differently watching it now or if I would remember one particular part that really moved me the first time around. I really didn't remember the whole story line and had slightly forgotten it was about a search for the girls' father.

I saw the movie Mamma Mia with my friends Kris and Heather on my birthday in July. On the way to that movie is when I talked to my mom about my dad not feeling well after his surgery. I was hesitant to go to the movie but mom assured me that my dad was fine.

I silenced my cell phone and instead of throwing it in my purse and forgetting the outside world, I had my cell phone in my hands throughout the whole movie. I jumped during the movie when I saw Kevin call me. Why was he calling unless it was an emergency? I fumbled in the dark and sent him a text message wondering if all was ok. I was nervous he heard some bad news from my mom or something happened to the kids. He replied he accidentally hit my number. Relief. Until the next morning when my mom did call me and tell me that my dad was in the hospital with a blood clot in his lung. I had a strange feeling that night before . . . my instincts are usually right on. (thank goodness he is doing fine today!)

I did enjoy the movie, and more so than I enjoyed the story the first time around because I wasn't sitting there wishing for something I don't have.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up months later is because I do find it a bit . . . I don't know the right word . . . ironic, funny, comforting . . . especially for my adoption friends, that as I am watching this movie about a girl in search for her real father, I am worrying about my real father . . . and the farthest thing on my mind on my birthday is my birth mom or my birth father. To tell you the honest truth, I don't ever recall really spending lots of time on my birthdays thinking of "them."

Maybe that's more a momma thought because yes, I do wonder what it was like for Kamryn's birth mom on the day that Kamryn was born. But I will silently wonder and let Kamryn have her own thoughts. Our birthdays are wonderful celebrations of us coming into this world created by our God. I love the cross hanging in Kamryn's room given to her by my friend Laura. It says, "God danced the day you were born." I like to remember that.

I may be a bit self centered on my birthday because I don't think about the two people who helped create me. I think about ME:) Yes, I do thank God that I am here. I am thankful that I have a loving mom, dad & sister who have always loved ME and continue to celebrate ME for ME. That's what's real.